Growing myself

So have any of you read the story about Hannah and Pininnah ? Well it's about a women that hasn't been able to have children and was pushed to the edge by her husbands other wife who is an over achiever at that skill and her response to it. Lately I can relate to Hannah...
For me the pushing didn't come from one person or one thing. It was coming from multiple people and situations. Starting with the miscarriage that really has left me very raw and sometime barren in emotions, issues with family, then church groups and church. Everyone just kept takin jabs at me. Over and over and over... When I got to me braking point and lashed out everyone was so surprised. People that say that they "love" me were the most hurtful honestly. Anyone that knows me knows that using bible verses to justify doing or saying some thing mean just lights a fire in my soul. Why couldn't people just leave me alone? Let me grieve,get mad, be happy process everything that has happened and is happening to me. Everyone wants to talk... Everyone wants me to point out what they said to me that upset me. Why is it not okay for me to not want to talk to people. Being that I am a creature that can lash out when in pain I don't want to talk to people. People find me intimidating when level headed can you imagine what i am like when i am super down and depressed? its not always pretty when you are coming at me with crap on a stick. During this whole time the people and places I thought that I could always count on when not there. They gossiped about me behind my back. They held me to a ridiculous standard that I couldn't be even when I wasn't feeling like a wounded dog. Why is it that A leader can't be weak cant show weakness? Did you ever think that maybe if they had this great support system you claim you give out to everyone that they might not leak their frustrations all over the place? Funny thing is all of this was all done during a sermon series that is suppose to be about grace. God gives is grace in sickness, health, sadness and rage. I will submit to the one person in my life that will never turn his back on my, never look down his nose at me and love me for the person he created me to be. I will not submit to policies that exclude people or that hurt people nor places that have lost touch with gods work and now think of themselves as a corporation. From the leaders to the C&E's we all fall short everyday. But aren't we suppose to learn from that and move forward not kick people out? Whelp sorry you talk to much, or feel to much so you can't be here. What kind of crap is that? Donkey Crap thats what it is... So I picked up my perfect self and moved away from the people,places and things that are holding me back from growing but still being who I am.
So back to Hannah. Well when she hit her breaking point she wept to The Lord. She didn't even go to her husband about this issue. No Facebook or twitter which is what I did after I had hit that final breaking point. She poured out her heart to God and praised him in the midst of her pain. I got pissed and finally did what people said that I had been doing the whole time. Why do we let people determine who we are? Why do we let them change us? She didn't let Pininnah and all her nastiness change her she stayed true and glorified god. God answered her prayer and she still stayed true to her promise to God and God continued to bless her over and over. I want to be Hannah no matter who or what is bugging me. I just keep that smile on my face and go to the very person that can fix everything. While Facebook makes me feel so much better and I don't take back the little bit I said and then deleted, but if I am going to continue on my path of growth I can't let people push me backwards.
Sunday morning I was approached by someone that I met in mops a few years and friended on fb. I rarely see her on there so I had forgot all about her. She said that reads all my posts but never says anything and that she has seen so much growth in the past year. Mind you the last year we have been to hell and not quite back yet again. She said that my posts renew her faith in God and that she finds me inspiring. I'm not quoting this because that was yesterday and I'm a mom of 4.5 but that was a jissed of it. As I stood there crying feeling stupid she apologized for making me cry and all I kept thinking about was how I was told that the things I say on fb make Christians look bad and are inappropriate. This is my bottom line I am going to keep being me but remember to be Hannah when I can't take anymore negative and go to my daddy when people pick on me. God approval is the only one that I live for....