Unwanted journey

In the mist of my dh describing body parts on the sono screen to our kids and me talking about what gender would be better accepted for convenience  she reached over,rubbed my leg and whispered "there's no heartbeat, I'm sorry i cant find a heartbeat". Being that this is number 5 i have seen enough sonos that i could probably describe to the next patient every spot or flicker. I saw that the baby wasn't moving but was waiting for those luck numbers....
We had been blind sighted by heartbeat numbers before so we waited once again but no such luck. Now looking back threw a million emotions it never looked like a baby....never moved...just looked like a blob with a heartbeat. 6 sonos this time to make sure everything was "ok" when it wasn't at the end. All the things that i was use to seeing we never saw and eventually our baby stopped growing and the flicker of hope was put out. So many questions,emotions craziness. I know its all for the best but why our family? How do you explain this to the kids? Having surgery is yet another emotional trip ill have to face. I have never been threw anything like this or a real doctor labeled surgery.  I was so proud of my status four pregnancies... four live births. Stayed away from people that miscarried while i was pregnant like it was something i could catch. Honestly i was just that deathly afraid of it happening to me. We had made it past the "omg your having another kid", the "how are you going to handle/provide for all of them", the "i thought you fixed that", our inner doubts, fear of short comings, my own depression about being sick. We were just happy and taking it day by day with no worries. I have always felt like carrying babies was one of the things i was good at but now it feels like something else I failed at.
I received this from a friend today and it made me think she was in my head, my heart,and my soul. I have read this over and over today. It better describes what I'm feeling,and gives me cliff notes to this unknown path I'm traveling. I thought I'd share it in hopes that it helps other people as much as it did me today. thank you joyful one.
 
In the midst of this bewildering, heart wrenching, powerful journey you are on it strikes me that many of your friends and family will inevitably say things that wound you.  And sometimes they will be forgotten quickly but sometimes these well intentioned words will wound deeply and will linger like the smell of old socks hiding under the bed.  We, your fellow sojourners in this life, long desperately to offer you something that will ease your pain and give you hope.  However sometimes the opposite befalls us and we may not even know that we have added to your pain and caused more trauma.  Forgive us Whitney.  Though it may not have happened,, and hopefully will not,..., if it does please forgive us.  Forgive us quickly and do not let another wound form in u from us or from the enemy.  Believe that in spite of our bumbling words we do really really love you.  And though we have seemingly lost sight of the precious and very personal pain you are in, we love u and ask your forgiveness in advance.  (Whitney, my hope is that all ur friends and family  communicate very lovingly and honoring with you regarding this tremendous loss you are grieving but if not then please accept this offering to read over when u are met with the un-thoughtful words.  May it help u to release it quickly.  This path u r on is challenging enough without well intentioned friends accidentally bringing more grief.