Just me clearing my head...

I feel like in the last few weeks I have fallen so far from God. Once a pray first kinda person to a didn't think of it until after the point person. Having Eleanor was suppose to be a blissful moment but people don't understand that I really feel like I have PTSD. There was nothing blissful about having a almost 7 pound rocket shoot out of you. Having absolutely no control over what was going on and not know what was happening to your body. Being over taken by a pain that could shatter your bones. It was something that i wouldn't wish on my worst foe. Every time i talk about it i tear up. It just wasn't suppose to be that way. So I'm mad that I didn't get my blissful ending and I'm pretty sure that it's why I am pissed at the world. Everything still hurts and I still walk like I'm pregnant... That is just not okay to me. Ya ya she is number 4 but i didn't feel this way the last 3 times. I thought that once she was here I could get back to the "norm" but I'm struggling with that to. 4 has been more difficult for me to swing into anything. No schedule... Messy house... 4 decades of laundry I lose months in this house now lol. That is the only laughing out anywhere that I can muster up...
I can feel the swirl and I'm trying my damnedest to hold on for dear life this time and not lose days or wks of my life again. But it's getting hard.
I feel like everything I write and everything that I say is something negative. So I don't feel like writing or talking to anyone. It is so easy to be on the outside of a situation and say what I should be happy about and I could sit and do the same thing to you. But that wouldn't help either of us feel better would it?
I don't want to be alone but I don't want anyone around either. Not sure what or where to go from here just trying to take everything day by day.